What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
