I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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