I didn't shave. On purpose
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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