I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
