so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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