god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
