you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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