I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
