I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
