thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
