OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
