It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
