did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
