If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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