yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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