If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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