I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
