i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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