he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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