Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
