I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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