Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
