I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
