Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
