I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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