Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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