Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
