why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
