So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
