I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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