I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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