I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
