Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
