it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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