you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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