how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
