her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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