Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
