Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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