The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
