I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
