I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
