69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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