i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
