there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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