There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
