worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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