Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize