I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
