uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
