are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
