Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
