I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
