I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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