Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
