I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
