At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
